Fiction vs Fact: Are we friends or are we foes?

How the hell do YOU define friend? Go ahead, I'll wait...

Ok, now, how many people do you know that actually FIT that description? Hmph. And what about best friends, bffs, bffls, bf4e, and whatever horrendously cheesy net-slang acronyms one can place around the concept of a friend above all others- what about those?

The concept of friendship has always been a tricky one. And in this post-modern world, we now also have to consider things like associates, allies, frenemies, and plain-old bitches we don't like.

Why is everything so complicated?  Why does having a relationship with someone, where your connection has nothing to do with neither sharing the same blood nor sleeping together, have to be so goddamn taxing? Yes, romantic-relationship are hard with the drama they bring but in the end -the belief is- you find one person with whom you get along and you just keep working at it. With family, you fight, you stop speaking, you move away; but somehow they always get a pass because you have no choice but to just accept them as they are.

Yet the relationship between friends always seems to be more stressful. The other two are just accepted forms of stress. Friendships are supposed to be easy, right?

I feel like the concept of true friendship is starting, like many other things, to become obsolete. Sex and the City-style quartets don't last. I've belonged to a few myself- I know what I am talking about. And I'm the kind of person who is not above a very hard, nasty critique of self. I put my own words, actions, and thoughts under the EXACT same magnifying glass as I do everyone else, and this I do regularly. What causes you to lose friends? Conversely, how do you gain real friends? And how does this affect yourself?

I feel that the first step towards true friendship is to be true to yourself. Remember that magnifying glass I mentioned? You have to be willing to break down your own character- this aides you in being able to see yourself the way someone else would. This does not mean to be self-effacing, or worse, to damage your own psyche. No, you just have to be real about who you are. And you have to accept it- you have to be okay with every aspect about you; flaws and perfections. Then, and only then, can you realize that yes, you may critical or yes, you may be a bit bitchy around that time of the month, or yes, sometimes you are a bit needy. But you can also see that yes, you would give someone your last $10 to be able to afford a bus pass or yes, you will drive to their house at 3 a.m. to console them after breaking up with a boyfriend (or throw a brick through his car window).

You have to accept you. And then you have to find others who accept you as well. The theme of family relationships and romantic ones is acceptance. The same ideology has to be applied in friendship as well. You can't be friends with someone who doesn't accept you- what the hell kind of friendship is that? You need to be able to read people. Social cues and subtlety count for very little these days. You should be able to discern whether someone needs a pat on the back or a good swift kick in the ass and a dose of reality. People get so wrapped up in themselves that they don't know how to think about others. You need to be able to actually feel things too- anger, sadness, contentment. To feel allows you to remember that others feel as well. And, well, if you have someone with the same kind of social skills and intuition that you've got, you will have the kind of friendship where you don't even have to say much- the other person will just know what you think. Don't we all truly desire a connection like that? Isn't that what connecting is all about?

You also have to understand the difference in being a friend and having someone be a friend to you. It is all too easy to throw around the word "friend" because it is such a huge umbrella that seems to be all-encompassing. But not everyone is your friend. You also must accept that even if you have known someone for years, they could really just be a foe in hiding- a wolf in a fabulous sheepskin fur coat with Uggs to match.

The main point is that friendship, like every other kind of relationship out there, needs to be built on mutual acceptance, respect, and support for self and for all others involved. I haven't always been the greatest friend (magnifying glass); years of growing and maturing has taught me that. But if I love you, if I feel for you, empathize with you, cry for you and not because you are related to me or because I am sleeping with you- if I have a genuine spot for you inside of my small bubble of those who I truly care for and give  shit about, then that should be enough. I don't need bffs and allies and whatnot. I just need a small circle of individuals who know me and accept me for who I am- not perfect but working on it. And ready to throw a brick through a window anytime of the day.

<3 IMP </3

Hasta Luego, Mi Amigo!

Goodbyes are tough. No - actually, they’re terrible. I feel like I’m being a bit dramatic about my situation but I don’t care! It hasn’t even been two months since I’ve become friends with a former best friend again and it’s been really wonderful having him back in my life. But he is going to school about 1,200 miles away and it completely sucks. I know I’m not the only person to feel a bit heartbroken when a best friend goes away for awhile so I’m going to help my fellow abandonees sad friends out.

So here are things to remind yourself when you have to say goodbye to a friend who's going away to school, camp, jail or what have you and feel like your life is going to be super boring and dumb without them around.

1. Think about all of the stuff you are going to send to him/her in the mail (you might not actually do this but at least you can calm yourself down with fake happy thoughts)
2. Cell phones. You can text on them. You can also call. It’s a fantastic advancement in technology.
3. Facebook/Twitter You can know what each others doing every moment of the day so it will almost seem as if you’re with them!
4. Skype. Webcam hugs are fun attempts. Right?
5. Talk about each other ALL the time so you get sick of it and you won’t even miss each other for a little while. Other people might get really annoyed, but this isn’t about them!

So, after you say your goodbye and give a drunken hug and then drunkenly cry while eating the last of the toll house cookies in your cabinet… just go to sleep, wake up and plan really obnoxious things to send your friend in snail mail. It will be okay. The semester isn’t that long anyway. You’ll be too busy freaking out over papers, readings, mid-terms and finals to even think about someone else 1200 miles away so don’t even worry about it! Am I right?! ...right?

Xo ARP

New Friends with Old Friends

Do not own photo

When someone who was once your friend, tries to contact you after two years and you ignore it and they continue to press, what are you supposed to do? I put myself in their shoes and decided that if I was the one who screwed up and I was trying to get in touch with someone I hurt, I would want some kind of response, even if I didn’t deserve it. I would want a chance. So, I gave him that chance. I gave him the chance, but I made it clear that I was not someone who sat and nodded along with “I did this but you did that” bullshit anymore. If I didn’t do anything, I will not tolerate being told I did just so he can feel like he deserved less of the fault. 

Hearing the words “I’m sorry” is something everyone likes to hear when they deserve to hear it, but it does not matter unless the words are sincere and you will never know if the words are sincere until it is proven to you after the whole forgiveness part. It’s a tricky situation. I wanted to keep my guard up. I wanted to make it seem like I had a wall up but it’s hard to do that with a person you were so close with before. Immediately I gave in and heard myself say “I love you” and I immediately felt regret. I felt like I betrayed myself by “giving in.” But then I remembered that I promised to say how I felt from now on. Wasn’t it just a few months ago that I decided to spread the love? Wasn’t it just a few months ago when I decided that the way to live my life was by telling the people I love that I loved them while I had the chance. And that’s what I did. And that’s how I feel. I love him because he was a friend for a long time and whether or not this friendship continues into our adult lives, I will always have a love for this person. 

The ages 15 to 25 are brutal when it comes to change. The people you knew in high school are not the same people today. Some change for the worse, some change for the better. You’d be surprised at how many change for the better. I’ve had brief encounters with a couple people from high school that I was not friends with because I didn’t think they were very nice people back then, but today my opinions have changed drastically. I couldn’t believe how different it was talking to them, catching up and if someone asked me three years ago if I thought I would be doing that with these people, I would have laughed, “No way in hell.” 

I know that I have changed a lot from when I graduated from high school and I have to let myself accept the fact that others have changed as well. There were two specific people in my mind that I was the closest I’d ever been with anyone and I never thought I would be friendly with them again. But recently I have opened my mind a little more to see what these people have changed into and I am satisfied with one and certainly against the other. And that’s okay. I’m not saying to give everyone who wronged you in the past another chance, because sometimes your life is just better without these people in them, but don’t close yourself off from the chance to gain a little more knowledge about them. I recently learned a lot about this friend I’m talking to again and it really got me thinking if this was a good idea. My mind was kind of scattered while catching up because I was letting myself go a little but at the same time scolding myself for doing that so soon. I did manage to keep some things to myself though because there’s nothing worse than completely opening your heart to someone again only to find out it was huge mistake a month later. I want to move slowly and carefully into this familiar but unfamiliar territory and it’s not because I don’t trust this person, it’s because I don’t trust myself to be careful when opening up again. I spent my whole life trusting too quickly and too easily and though it got me a lot of different kinds of friends, it caused a lot of destruction as well. I don’t regret it though, because now I know. Lesson learned. Learn from my mistakes and all the other cliche`s you can think of. 

I guess what I’m trying to get across here is that we are all human. We all make mistakes, we all forgive either too quickly or we don’t forgive at all and we should learn from each other so we can balance our faults. Yeah, maybe I did dive into the friendship too quickly yesterday because it was so familiar, but maybe thats okay, because we’re older and we talked and we listened and we agreed and hopefully we learned. 

Time will tell though, won’t it?


Xo Al